A Thing between God and me

Have you ever gone through heart break?
I never considered myself a hopeless romantic, but after what I'm about to write I am sure I'll be considered one.
I fell "in love" for the first time when I was 14 yrs old. The guy was a very close and dear friend. At first, I remember I use to dislike him because all the other girls thought he was "all that!" and I was a very against-the-flow kind of girl; but as I got know him and got to know the heart he had for God, I fell for him too. The difference was other girls were infatuated with his man's man pressence, and I fell hard for his heart.

Our church forbids dating and he was in line to become a youth leader. I kept my feelings to myself and tried my best to be a good friend to him. When he confessed his feelings to me, I knew the church wouldn't allow us to continue to be friends because of the temptation our friendship represented. And so, for almost 10 yrs, he barely spoke to me again.
This is a guy I had never even given him a hug or a farewall kiss on the cheek. We never had any sort of relationship or interactions out of the norm of a friendship. He was a radical Christian who would admonish me if I listen to non-christian music. Eventhough literally nothing happen between us, I was heartbroken. To have someone who was very dear to you just plain and simple never talk to you again, to lose that dear friendship, and also to have your dreams shattered is very painful. I can think of a couple of friends of mine who can relate.

Heartbreak is a hard thing to deal with when you are a teenager. You feel everything out of proportion. I think I cried more for this heartbreak than for the one when my parents got divorced. But this time it was very different. During this heartbreak I knew God.

During the first days, weeks, and months of this heartbreak, I would tell my close girlfriends how I was feeling, cry with them, sulk, talk about him for hours reminiscing. And I noticed my girlfriends where getting a little tired of the same conversation over and over again, but I wanted to keep telling it over and over again. Time does not heal wounds. I think what happens is that you get use to them and their pain, so you learn to live with it. And although time passed, I was still heartbroken. I would see him avoiding me all the time, see him change his friends or his hanging out with our mutual friends so as to not coincide. I would see him grow as a person and a christian and realize I was not a part of his life. That was whole new brand of pain I was not used to.

I remember I would find joy on what I came to call "relationship crumbs," tiny glimpses of interactions like him saying hi because we were serving in the church band together or having to sit next to each other because the chair next to me was the only one empty and he couldn't avoid it. And this crumbs that got my hopes up would also create other brands of pain over and over again.  

And for more days, weeks, and months and this new pain surging, I would seek comfort from friends, false hopes, and even anger and hatred towards him. 
Why am I being so open and honest with this post? It's come to my attention I'm not alone. Many people of many ages go through the same thing, but this is a great opportunity. I would even call it the best thing that ever happened to me. This is not something you cure with pills or therapy; it's not something that goes away after hearing counsel or words of wisdoem. As Jesus once told his disciples, this only goes away with hard praying and fasting, but it needs an extra ingredient: a new love.

"Best thing that ever happened to you?" you may ask. "She doesn't know my kind of heartbreak then" you might reply.
Quoting Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." This kind of pain can't be shared with other people. You might have really good friends but you get tiring and selfish and selfcentered. There is only one Who can stand by your side. You got it! Jesus!

It was about that time that I started journaling. I would pretty much write down every feeling, every thought, every impression, every hope and expectation, every dream and desperation, EVERYTHING and say it to God. Journaling revealed hidden treasures. When I began an entry, I would begin pouring out my heart. If I was feeling desolate and in despair, I would then turn to write of what He says in His Word of what I was feeling (this meant I spent alot of time in His Word beforehand). I kept on writing things like"Yes, I know Your Word says Your are always by me and never forsake me, but I do feel alone. And yes, I know I must seek first the kingdom of God but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings!" And as the entry progressed, I somehow felt uplifted and encouraged. "Oh Lord, teach me to trust You wholeheartedly. Thank You because You always listen and I can comfort because I am comforted by the King. Today a friend was in need of comfort and I was too engulfed on my own need to notice. Tomorrow I'll go share of this comfort Your love has given me." The hidden treasure on journaling was the written evidence of a transformed heart by God. At times I would read old entries and wonder "Did I write that?" and I was pretty sure I hadn't. I had only been the hand; God had spoken and comforted me. Those were even greater treasures. But those treasures are a Thing between God and me.

I would cry a lot in secret and silence where only God knew I had and I only told him why. I stopped publicizing my pain and just kept it between us. I would stay up all night just praying and begging Him to make me only desire Him. Nobody knew I had been up all night. I didn't understand how I felt fresh and rested the next day at school. Just God and I knew we had spent the night together in tears and laughter, and those night were a Thing between God and me.

During this time I also started writing songs of this times alone with the Lord. Most songs have only been heard by Him for they were only for Him. Even today as a married woman, I still can't write songs that are not for God. Nothing was majestic enough to inspire me. There was too much beauty in Him and His love for me for me to notice anything else worth singing to. Singing to Him brought joy and peace to my heart like nothing else did. I was very lucky to get the most secluded room in the house, because my hours of writing, composing, and singing were usually after 12 am. My songs are a Thing between God and me. 

Today, I don't remember much of that heartbreak. I don't even remember why it hurt so much for such a long time. All I remember is that I got a whole bunch of things that are only a thing between God and me. All I remember is this amazing relationship that was personal, real, and even secret. I believe that time was the corner stone of my relationship with God.
! Corinthians 7: 34
An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband

This is so true. The Things between God and me are not the same as when I was only concerned about the Lord's affairs as an unmarried woman. Cheerish this time, treasure it! Times only get harder and if you don't have a strong, wonderful, personal relationship with God when He is your only concern, those times will only be harder and lonelier because You won't have the experience of having only held on from God. If you do, you will have a rock foundation on which to build up when storms hit again, because heartbreak is around the corner, but God is too and He is mightier!
Are you in heartbreak today? Let is be the best thing that ever happened to you!

PS: this post would have been perfect for Valentines... lol! God's love was there for you yesterday. Did you remember to love Him back?  

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