Negativity: sick and tired of being sick and tired

In past posts, I´ve wondered and questioned if I´m suited for a big family. My health is very fragile and, more than often, my strengths abandon me.
My negativity levels this past week have scalated higher than I had allowed them to in more than two years. More than two years ago I discovered the healing, magical, happiness-inducing power of gratitude. Gratitude had saved my life (without exaggerating). What happened?

Some people question the reasons why I write. To me it´s clear: I write because I forget. I write because it gives/keeps me focus. I would more question the publishing than the writing, but I  share because somehow some people appreciate knowing they´re not the only ones going through the same things.

I haven´t been here in a whole while. I even missed Emmalee´s Letter for when she turned eight  months. She is already nine months and I haven´t done that letter either or her monthly photoshoot.

I´ve been very sick. Yesterday was the first night I slept in three weeks. This has made me really tired. I didn´t go to work last friday because I just couldn´t move anymore. I thought a three day weekend spent in recuperation and resting would do the trick. It didn´t.

I am beyond blessed for the wonderful God I have and the wonderful husband He gave me. I woke up in the middle of the night with a mega allergy attack with my eyes swollen, a sore throat, a congested nose, a huge headache, and body ache and I burst out in tears. It didn´t matter that Emmalee was sleeping next to me because she woke up in the middle of the night and I brought her to my bed to feed her. "The baby can feel your sorrow and it will affect her," my husband says, trying to get me to get a grip. My sobbing just became louder. He picks up the baby and takes her to her room. "You have to control yourself. Crying will only make you cough more and worsen your headache," he keeps trying to console me.
"I just had enough! Why does everything have to go wrong all the time?" I exclaim.
"What is this everything that has gone wrong?" He asks.
"Everything!" my childish self keeps exclaiming. "My health only worsens. Me being sick only makes our already growing bills grow more. I can´t seem to do anything right. Nothing ever goes right!"
"Are you sure about that?" his voice always soft tells me, "Do you not have a roof over your head, a job, food on your belly, a daughter and a husband still breathing, a life in your womb still growing, the love and strength of a Savior?"
Remember the post I wrote some time ago where I wrote how my husband never knew what to say?Thank God that is not nearly the case anymore. He is so wise and knows exactly how to bring me back to the ground.
GRATITUDE! You forgot to be grateful and that made you have your sight only on the bad things. Let me tell you, when the bad is all you see, it´s all you feel. and that is Satan at his best work.

One of the things I pray the most is for God to be my strength. I pray this alot because I am so weak. But how will God be my strength if my prayer is not accompanied by gratitude?

Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

And if I´m honest I haven´t even been praying for Him to be my strength either. No wonder I questions if I can do this. I most certainly can´t.
I´ve been failing as a wife and as a mother not because I´m sick and unable to do alot, but because
I´ve been carnal and not seeking the Lord and His strength and rest.
He is my restorer! Whom else will I turn to!

Dear God,
Sorry for forgetting. Sorry for my sinful nature to gaze into the storm and lose my sight of my Saviour right in front of me.  Help me Father to be grateful always. Thank You for my loving husband. Thank you for my wonderful baby girl.  Thank you for the blessing in my womb. Let me be grateul and joyful for the lot you have given  me.  Thank you because I´m starting to feel better. I love you, Jesus. Always

No comments:

Post a Comment