Like I'm gonna lose you.

The girls have been Peanuts crazy lately. It's a good rest from the Frozen craziness of last month.
My youngest watches me come in from work, hugs me, and then searches my purse for my Ipad to watch "Foopy." Isn't that adorable for Snoopy.
The girls are so Peanuts crazy they makes us listen to the theme song "Better When I'm Dancing" by Meghan Trainor in the car every single time.
I don't complain much because the song is very lovely and I liked Meghan's voice.
So my dear husband downloaded other songs by her and we found the beautiful gem that is the song "Like I'm Gonna Lose You."

Here are the lyrics:

I found myself dreaming
In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows we were walking on moonlight
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

[John Legend:]
In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets

Let's take our time
To say what we want
Use what we got
Before it's all gone
'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

Not only are the lyrics a masterpiece to me, but could anything be better than the voice of John Legend to accompany it?

With my husband travelling away from home always and living far away, the song struck a big chord with me. The very little time I have with him (twice a month), I have to make sure I love him like it'll be my last chance. 
But this is how we need to live our life always. 
No, we are not promised tomorrow. 

I had been a little sleep deprived last week and on Saturday I was a raging mess. I was raising my voice for everything and not being very kind to the girls. I felt I was in over my head. The Spirit showed me that sleeping is not a privilege I must feel unworthy of (ask me later why I was feeling like that). Sleeping is a necessity that I do so that I may wake up early with renewed strength that enables me to serve my family rightly. I was glad I could turn the page to the horrid, grumpy mother and be a loving, engaged mom the rest of the weekend (which lasted until Monday because we had the day off). 

I was singing the song to the girls reeling on the wonderful days we shared together, thinking how important it is to live life this way. 
And then, horror struck. 
While I was bathing, I felt a very hard, very large lump in one of my breasts. 
I was about to go all panicky and frustrated, and again the Spirit called me not to let my flesh steal from the joy of walking in the Spirit, where fear and sadness is not a fruit, but love and joy. 
I prayed with the girls, long and hard, tears flowing down, Emmalee comforting me, and falling asleep talking to God together. 

Yesterday I took the day off from work to get that lumped checked out. Because I had had a revelation into the importance of my sleep, I did my best not to spend the night in Google reading about breast cancer and lumps. I am me, however, and I did do some research to know what were my odds and what I was up against. 
If the lump was liquid inside or with regular edges, it was not likely cancer. The lump was solid and with irregular edges. It was also painless, which is another sign of cancer. 
I couldn't help crying in the middle of the hospital. 
A woman approached me and told me not to cry. She told me how she has been fighting for her life for the past nine years and how she is still fighting. She told me whatever they had found, I would fight. 
The biopsy wasn't as painful as I thought. The needle was big and thick, but the local anesthesia did it's job well. 
I will get the results today.
Today at 5 pm we'll know if I have breast cancer or a benign tumor that needs to be removed. 

I'm still grieving Sammy so much. 
I asked if the cancer could have any bearing in losing Sammy. The doctor said no. 
I already had a before and after life changing experience. 
I am just hoping with all my heart the tumor is benign. 
The doctors say the odds are in my favor due to my age. 
All I know is I'm really scared. 
I don't want to leave my girls. 
And so, my mind goes back to that song. 
No! We are not promised tomorrow!

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God.

I have that verse etched in my heart. As I laid in bed thinking of what to be grateful for, I found out there was plenty. 
I am blessed everyday I am breathing. 
The first thing I was grateful for was the fact that it's all happening to me. 
My life is on the line, and no one else's.
So many mothers living in a chair next to a hospital bed where their little one is fighting for his or her life. 
Babies, infants, children being diagnosed with cancer everyday. 
And I am blessed that is not me. 
My girls are healthy and I thanked God for that and asked it remained that way. 

I was grateful for friends who are like family. 
Yesterday, Tia Sara was with me during the procedure and while talking to the doctor. 
Later, Jenny brought my favorite chicken wings which are my comfort food of choice. 
My dear friend Keren also showed up. We had a total of 4 toddlers running around the street. 
For the rest of the evening, I didn't even think of what had happened and what could happen the next day. We just laughed and comforted crying toddlers that cry about everything and ran around like rascals. 

I was grateful for family. 
My dad came to my house a minute after I called him. He told me he would help me pay for the biopsy, which had a cost of $200. He held me and prayed me for me. He said he'd go home to get everyone in his church and in the family praying.
My mom called at night crying, offering to come to Honduras as soon as possible to be with me through all this. I was very moved by her offer. I told her that it would be best to wait for today's result first. 
My brother and sister have been texting. My in-laws have been there for me. 
My church family has been showering me with texts and encouragement and prayer. 

Dear Lord, 
Let us learn to count our days. Let us learn to make them count. Let us learn to live them fully in the fruits of the Spirit, loving you and loving each other. Whatever the result today, let my heart praise you and say "Blessed be Thy Name." 
I love you. 

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