On Becoming a Parent Part 2

So apparently I cannot give birth without hearing the words "That is the first time that happens" from nurses and doctors.

For those of you who want to know what I am talking about with Emmalee, here is the link.

Kaylee was schedule to come out of her comfy belly-home this monday the 7th, which is why her grandma Linda booked a plane ticket from Panama City to Tegucigalpa on the 6th. I prayed plenty asking God that my mom would be here for Emmalee's delivery, that I was sure He was going to do the same for Kaylee and didn't even bother to ask. To poor grandma's dismay, Kaylee came out 4 days ahead.

Luckily, I had the sense to pack the morning of Wednesday the 2nd. We had just returned from Emmalee's first time at the movie theater. She has gone before but to sleep on mommy or daddy's lap. This time she went to watch the movie. She really enoyed the animated film and clapped at the end. She is growing so fast. I came home to finish cleaning and organizing the guest room for mom and rearranging our bedroom to fit the playpen that has a nifty newborn station for Kaylee's first months. I don't know if all that exertion got me into labor or if it was just time but, at 1 am of that Thursday, I began with contractions.

Now contractions usually take some time before they become frequent and painful, indicating it is time to go to the hospital. You feel them in the middle of your belly and you can tell it is a contraction because your whole belly hardens. The pain I was feeling was only on the lower right side of my belly and didn't feel like contractions, but by 1:30 am the contractions where closer together and very painful, which got me scared really fast. I called my doctor and was instructed to go to the hospital immediately.

I don't know how many times I said "Rodolfo hurry up" in the few minutes it took us to get dressed and "ready" for the hospital. (The "ready" is because we had mine and Kaylee's stuff ready, but not Emmalee's). Needless to say, I was pretty scared in the car praying for Kaylee's safety. Our car was in the shop and we felt so blessed our friend George had left us a car to use until ours was fixed. (I seriously hate my car).

I was worried the doctor would delay in arriving, but he got there five minutes after us. I just wanted to enter his clinic and see Kaylee on the ultrasound monitor. The doctor was checking me and I yelled "Just show her to me already!!!" "The ultrasound is malfunctioning," he said. He asked me to calm down so he could listen to her heart beat. When I heard the words "She is perfectly fine," my heart started beating again. My in-laws live nearby the hospital and were able to arrive quickly and care for Emmalee. 

I had google before calling the doctor the kind of pain I was feeling could mean placental abruption (which you can read about here).

Turned out, to mis dismay, that I was right and thus needed to go into surgery right away. 

I was afraid waking up the staff necessary for my emergency cesarean would take a while, time in which my contractions would scalate quickly putting me inside the OR in extreme pain again. The doctor told me he would start operating in half hour, which translated to Honduran time meant at least an hour and a half. Turned out I was wrong. I was surprised how quickly they were there and ready. 

When the time for the epidural came, I told the doctor of my complication the last time. He promised me that would not happen this time. I am glad he was true to his promise.

Before surgery the doctors and nurses got together in a circle and prayed. That made me feel really good. I was happy my doctor allowed Rodol to be in the OR with me, and he got to cut Kaylee's umbilical chord. He was so happy. Being inside, hearing me talk, and seeing Kaylee come out safely made him feel better than with Emmalee's delivery, where being in the waiting room not knowing what was going on made the minutes feel like hours. All I have to say is that he has a strong stomach. I was happy he was there and he stroke my hair until the surgery was over. 

They took me to the recovery room and he left to check on Kaylee. Those 45 minutes on the recovery room felt endless. I was anxious to see Kaylee or at least be allowed to be in my room with Emmalee. 

When I was finally sent to my room, I was immediately concerned with the look on Rodol's face. It turned out that Kaylee had trouble adjusting to the environment and was given oxygen to breathe (effects of the placental abruption). The pediatrician told us we were lucky she came early because she was showing signs of fetal distress. 

She came out a lot smaller and thinner than Emmalee. Emmalee was three weeks older when she was born. It may not seem like much, but, in development inside the womb, it makes a big difference. 

The nurses said they would be taking her to the room in a few minutes. Those did turn out to be hours.

My in-laws and my dad where all really tired from the long night, but no one would leave until we had Kaylee on the room. We got Kaylee three hours later, immediately requesting feeding. When I saw how strong a feeder she was, I knew she was going to be ok. I was so happy breastfeeding again! Everyone stared at her for a few minutes and went their way.

By now it was around 6 am. On my surgery with Emmalee I remember coming out of surgery with a foley catheter on that was removed until the next day. With Kaylee's surgery, my catheter was removed in the recovery room around 3 am. I found it strange, but they said it was ok to remove it, so I didn't inquire any further. 

I was happy with Kaylee and Rodol in the room recovering from surgery (Emmalee left with her grandparents). I really wished my mom was there. Time passed and the effects of the anesthesia were wearing off as I could feel the pain from the cut. The nurses administered some analgesics the doctor had prescribed. It seemed weird to me that the pain in the cut subsided, but not my general pain. The hours kept passing and my pain only became stronger and stronger. Around 1pm I was complaining heavily about the pain I was feeling. 

They sent a doctor to check on me. You could tell from a mile away he was just a medical student. 

He asked me where I was feeling pain and I told him it was in the abdominal area. He gave me the dumbest look ever and said "Well, you just had surgery. It is normal that you feel pain," to which I responded in my most aggravated tone "It is normal that I feel pain. It is not normal that the analgesics are having absolutely no effect and my pain is actually increasing!" He just bowed his head and agreed, but of course did nothing. 

Time kept passing and I kept telling them I was feeling too much pain. They changed me to a stronger analgesic. I started calling them telling me to give me something stronger, to which all just replied that I should wait for the new analgesic to come into effect. I started calling my doctor continuously on the phone demanding him to come see me. He sent the on-call doctor at the ER. He checked my pulse, my pressure, my wound, my bleeding and concluded that everything was ok. He called my doctor and told him I had a "low pain threshold" to which I, infuriated, replied with a "This is not my first c-section! Something is wrong, help me!"

They did nothing again so I did the only thing I could. I started screaming. It was really hard to scream with the intense pain in my abdomen, but it was all I could do. I looked so bad not even Rodol tried to stop me from screaming. My screams where heard all throughout.

Finally my doctor came to see me. I was in so much pain I was shaking the bed. 

He asked me if it was my wound that hurt. I said yes but that what really hurted was my abdominal area. He asked the nurses if I had peed all day and they said I had. He asked for a catheter just to be sure. As soon as he placed the catheter in, I stopped screaming and laid peacefully on the bed. They took out three liters of urine from a bladder that holds 600ml!

By the look on their faces I could tell they had really screwed up. They even treated me with a lot of care after my screaming show. Had I not screamed for help, they would have had a very complicated gallbladder surgery on a recently operated patient. I could have died of complications, my bladder was about to burst!

And just like with my post-dural-puncture headache, all doctors and nurses kept telling me "That had never happened before." 

I was just thankful that after that, I felt a lot better. I didn't even need the analgesics anymore and the pain from the cut was more than bearable.

We stayed in the hospital until Saturday and I was happy my mother-in-law came to spend the night with us, since my mom was arriving until Sunday.

The pediatrician told me Kaylee suffered from Jaundice but that I could take her home and just expose her to the sun in the mornings and afternoons. There was something bothering me about her jaundice, though my mom and my mother-in-law said she was fine and the jaundice was mild. I couldn't shake the feeling it was more than that and took Kaylee to the pediatrician on Monday. We went to draw some blood to check her bilirubin levels beforehand. The nurses and doctors at the Lab said she was fine and that they had seen babies a lot more yellow than Kaylee. The test results were not done yet and we had to be on time to see the pediatrician, so the lab said I could call to get the results. As soon as my pediatrician saw her he said she was ok, like everyone else, and that the jaundice was mild. He did the check up on her and was about to dispatch us when we got the results from the lab. 

Her jaundice was not mild and we had to stay in the hospital for two days.

He even admitted "mom knows best."

It was really hard to hear we had to stay in the hospital, not to mention the huge financial hit. 

Thankfully, God gave provision through my mom and Kaylee got better.

We are finally home and together.

We are happy to have my mom with us and as our guest.

Emmalee could not be a cuter big sister. All she wants to do when she sees Kaylee out of her cradle is give her kisses. She kisses her arms, belly, and forehead.

Thank You for Your provision, Your care, Your protection, faithfulness, and love, my dear Lord.

She is more Red than yellow

Mommy was so happy to have her so soon in the hospital room

Party of Four!

Happy grandma

Sister kisses

loves of my life

That Kind of Night

I am having that kind of night; you know, the sleepless one where you lay in bed regretting something you said. The kind of night were you beat yourself up for those words that came out of your mouth even if you know that most likely the only conseuence to them is this self-beating. The kind of night where you find it hard to forgive your own flaws.

And thus I try to console myself with phrases like: "Jesus forgave you for this too, so you should too."

And I don't know if these words have validity or not, but I am finding no solace in them.

Neither am I finding any on the thought that what I said wasn't really bad. 

Then why is it disturbing me so?

Well, my soul wants me to find out in order to find rest in this kind of night.

It was a comment on another mother's choice.

I find myself complaining about how much it bothers me when strangers comment on my kid's appearance or behaviour, or the size of my belly, or anything parental related. 

I need to ask myself if it only rubs me the wrong way coming from strangers or coming from near ones as well?

My mind recalls of a time when Emmalee was two months old and my mom made a comment on a choice I made that hurt me so bad it caused us to have our only long distance fight. And it was an "innocent" comment. "Innocent" in the sense that it was said coming from a place of concern and love, but not from a place where it was well-thought before it was spoken, coming accross completely as it was not intended. I hate when that happens. 

I guess I can conclude that I would probably not complain of any opinions you have as me as a mother if you are not a stranger, but I would probably not have an easy time taking them either. 

Knowing firsthand what the road of motherhood looks like, I guess I understand why my heart is so upset that I was so unhampered and casual in casting an opinion of another mother's choice. 

It brings to mind the fact that the things we dislike from others is more often than not the things we dislike about ourselves. And if it is not, then it should.

it reminds me of Luke 6:41-42

41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

42 Or how canst thou say to thy brother, ‘Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye,’ when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite! Cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.

Ouch! No wonder I am having that kind of night. Hypocrite? That is not something I want to be called. 

I guess thiese kinds of nights are not that bad afterall, if you are willing to examine your heart and bring it under God's mindset and will.

I find myself lately singing Emmalee to sleep to the Sonicflood song "Holiness."

The part of the song that says "brokenness, brokenness is what I long for" truly strikes a chord because I really do. And the chorus "Take my heart and form it, take my mind transform it, take my will conform it to Yours" is truly a prayer in my heart, even when I am singing it.

Sometimes He allows these kinds of nights for the purpose of making that chorus true in our hearts.

After writing this down I have to say, eventhough I have an early morning and Emmalee and the house under my sole care until noon, I am grateful I had this kind of night. I am grateful the Lord moves me to examine my heart and will not let me rest until I have. I am glad I am not someone who can feel she did something incorrect and just shake it off and swipe it under the rug. 

Thank You, Lord, for forever shaping me into Your image, even if it is a long road ahead. I love You for not forsaking me and for forgiving me and teaching me Your ways. Never stop teaching me!

Dear Kaylee, 33 weeks on the belly!

Sweet baby girl,

I've been thinking alot about you lately. We are expecting you in 36 days exactly.

Your grandma will be coming April 6th so please wait for her. 

We chose to have you on the 7th because it is mommy's favorite number and it has been meaningful in our lives. Your sister was born on the 17th. You were supposed to be coming that date also, but I am glad you are coming sooner. I can't wait to meet you.

It does not matter that I've done this before, I know that when I get to stare into your eyes, I will lose myself in them. Meeting you will be the one of the best things that happens to me,

Mommy loves you so much. I wake up at night searching your kicks on my belly and daydreaming about you. I am sure your sister will be happy for your arrival. She is going to be the best big sister ever. I pray that you two don't fight too much, that you can be best friends, that you will find in her a role model and a good counselor. Sisters are the best and it is a very cherished conexion. I am happy you two will be very close in age. Your sister Emmalee is so sweet and kind, so you have much you can learn from her already.

Baby girl, we were not expecting you so soon, but you were going to come when God wanted, and His will is done. 

His will is always done, baby girl, and it is always good. I pray you know this and cherish your Heavenly Father. We definitely cherish Him for bringing you into our lives and He was wise to bring you at this time.

Sweet girl, always be kind to others, honor your parents, love the Lord with all your heart. Never forget that you are wonderfully made. Everything about you is perfect and mommy wouldn't change a thing about you. Never let anyone make you feel bad about who you are; you tell them you were made by an amazing and genius Creator uniquely design inside your mommy. 

I want you to know that your daddy kisses you every morning. You have such a great dad. He cares very lovingly for your mommy while she carries you and for your sister. He is so prepared to care for you. He used to hold your newly-born sister with a tight grip scared he'd drop her. I hope we don't drop you from overconfidence. At least you are lucky your parents have learned from mistakes done by newly parents to your sister, although take into account she will have some benefits as the older sister for having had to be mommy and daddy's teacher. 

Your grandma Linda always requests to talk to you on skype. 

It's weird putting the ipad on the belly, but you, as your sister before you, kick when you listen to grandma Linda's voice. 

Your grandparents are helping prepare for your arrival. Grandma Linda bought you some baby gear including you car seat and I bet she will be showering you with more gifts. She can't help herself. I am so glad she will come to be mommy's support and strength so really wait for her please.

Grandpa Edgardo is working hard on your crib. He is the jack-of-all-trades your mom learned her autodidactic skills from. I will try to pass that on to you and your sister. 

Your grandpa Rodolfo was so grateful He got to feel you on my belly. I bet he almost got teary eyed. He only had boys so he is excited to have more girls to love. Your grandma Martha is preparing herself to care for you when mommy and daddy go to work. 

Like your sister, I wish you got to see your Aunt Lilly and Uncle Ditto more, but you will have Uncle Kris and Uncle Javi pampering you. Like mom and dad, they got to practice handling a baby with your sister. Uncle Kris even knows how to change diapers!

Baby girl, grow healthy and strong inside me. Feel mommy's love for you and how great  it is. 

We love you!

Life as parents.

It is true, everything they said.

Money would be tight.

Nights would be long and bodies would ache in restless pain.

Nothing would ever stay in it's place and the ornaments wouldn't last.

You or what you like to do would have second place or no place at all.

Your dreams would be put on hold, probably permanently. 

You will wash more, clean more, swipe more, bathe more, dress more,

Experience more unpleasant smells, 

Have sore arms from carrying,

Have no space in the car trunk.

You will feel alot more tired and sleep at any chance anywhere, embarrassment is no longer an issue.

You will adjust your tv favorites channels for channels you would never watch voluntarily.

You will have toy songs stuck in your head popping at any moment.

Your pets will be in second plane as well.

You will have never gone so little to the movies or out for dinner, and don't plan to anytime soon.

Going to the gym is just a dream.

It is true. I won't deny it.

But it is also true that you have never been happier.

That watching that little face smile when you enter the room makes life worth living.

That, while having her on your bed makes you sleep stiffly, getting to hold her hand and hear her breathing brings more peace than any rest can.

That every time she says mama, even if she is crying at 3am, makes you feel important.

That everytime she sleeps peacefully and happy you feel like you did something right in your life.

That every new thing she learns is worth a celebration and more filling to your soul than any dreams put on hold.

That eventhough there is no money and times are so hard, hearing her laugh can make you believe, have hope, and gain strength.

That looking into her eyes reassures you of a God in heaven, Who is not only real, but loving and awesome, and greatly to be praised.

That arriving home and getting to throw yourself on the floor to play with her is the highlight of your day and you can't wait to repeat it the next day.

That every moment apart you are anxious for the moment back together again.

That nothing helps you grow more humble than learning from a child, and you realize that in fact she has a lot to teach you.

That the future you care about now is her future, rather than your own.

That you have never been more in love with your husband than when you watch him play and laugh with her.

That you really need to pick a good life partner because a good husband is worth more than anything.

That a plastic bag or a cardboard box is more fun than expensive Fisher Price toys that you don't need.

That your pets matter more to her now and she is the one who spends time with them.

That you love more whoever loves her.

And no matter how hard, or tired, or difficult, or expensive it is, you would do it again in a heartbeat!

I can't wait for life with two girls. I can't wait to meet my Kaylee and watch Emmalee as a big sister. 

We have never had as many problems as we do right now. 

We spent more than twelve hundred dollars on that car and it stills needs more repairs.

We are close to maxing out our credit card and have no other means to pay for necesities like food and gas, or rent, which I still haven't paid this month.

We are desperately looking for a job for Rodolfo because with my maternity leave I will have my paycheck cut even thinner and we can't make it with my full paycheck as it is.

I have a ton of work to do before my leave and I haven't even started preparing the material for the substitute teacher.

Emmalee is not sleeping through the night for the first time in her life, unless she is sleeping in our bed.

Other moms says it is because she can "feel" she will have some attention competition soon, and she especially wants mommy's attention.

Mommy is feeling huge and uncomfortable with her bulging belly.

And yet, I wouldn't change anything. The Devil brings thoughts to my mind of how better we'd be if I still had my old job. If I did, I would probably have a shorter list of amazing times with Emmalee. I would have less financial problems, granted, but at a price I am not willing to pay. Changing our diet to rice and beans would be preferable than that. 

And yet, I am also resting on the Lord like never before. He will provide, as Jehova Jireh always does, and will also be our Jehova Shalom, our Prince of Peace. He blesses us continuously through my mother and my in-laws, and through the body of Christ, and our beloved friends. He will bring Kaylee with the necessary provision, as children are a blessing of the Lord, and we couldn't be happier to become aunt and uncle to my dearly beloved sister Jenny. 

Emmalee and Kaylee will be also joined by many more wonderful babies from wonderful friends I am grateful to share this experience with.

And I am so grateful for my wonderful, loving husband and for the father he is. Lucky girls!

Oh how I love this little rascal!

Dear Emmalee 12

Baby girl, you turned one!

You don't even realize how amazing you are and how much you brighten my day.

"Mama" has become your favorite word. It's the first thing you say when I come in the morning to change your diaper. You are so funny. You say "hola" incensantly too. It's just that you are so kind and friendly. 

I don't know how to put into word how much I love you. It's undescribable. 

I love watching you play with your "educational" toys. You are so smart.

The thing I've enjoyed the most to watch is seeing how soft and sweet and cuddly you've become.

The other day mommy had a very painful shot given and mommy was very nervous and she cried. You came over and hugged me and made this "awwww" noice. It was the sweetest thing ever!

You like to hug and cuddle more, but you will only lay your head on daddy's shoulder. 

Eventhough you've mastered walking, you still give me a hug when you reach me. 

I love your big smile with your big rabbit teeth.

I still stare at you with wonderment and amazement at how beautiful and perfect you are.

You love other kids and are not shy at all. When we were waiting on the doctor to check on your baby sister, you made friends with every kid you saw. I'm not used to such innocence and acceptance. No discrimination or prejudice. I truly wish, like Jesus said, I were more like little children, I were more like you.

Your grandma and Uncle Ditto and Aunt Lilly got to really enjoy you this past month. I'm so happy they got to share time with you. Uncle Ditto and Grandma Linda were afraid you were not going to recognize them or like them. You had no problem with grandma because you skype alot with her and immediately knew her. You had some warming up to do with Uncle Ditto, but they both were jealous of your big smile when Aunt Lilly talked to you. I guess you liked her face. She is very pretty. Grandma Linda was a huge help getting you to eat. She made you gain the weight you needed to be back on your normal growth pattern. She was a real champion. You learned to eat yogurt and drink your juice with vitamins, although mommy gave grandma a hard time for getting your outfits dirty really fast. The only thing is that grandma would get you all wind-up and then she would go to bed leaving mommy and daddy to deal with a hyper Emma past 11pm. The good thing is that grandma came for you early in the morning to play with you and allow mom and dad to sleep longer. It was a huge relief. The morning of the new year you had some problem sleeping and barely slept at all. Mom and dad were really tired and sleepy that when we heard grandma was up we didn't wait for her to come for you. We iust let you out to the hall. We had a huge laugh of it when grandma was bugging us for having "kicked" you out of the room. She said you came walking to her with a big smile not realizing your parents had gotten rid of you. I'm sorry baby girl, but we were extremely tired and you kept us up. 

We love you so much. Your grandparents here in Honduras were sad they didn't spend christmas with you, but you got to skype with them. You were really excited to see them when we came back. Everybody loves you so much. I hope you know how loved you are and I hope all of us can show you how loved you are because Christ loved us first and loves you more deeply than any of us can. 

Here is you one year photoshoot

Mischievous look

I hope you liked you're personal cake

Yes, that is for you and you can do with it what you want!

Interesting...

Momma, I am getting dirty and touching this, look!

Yeah, yeah, we all know why you were near, Lanky!

But she doesn't seem to mind Emmalee on top of her after Emmalee allowed her to lick her frosty fingers!

O-ouh! Don't let grandma see this kiss!

Emmalee's First Birthday!

Boy was I looking forward to this day. When I started planning this birthday I was not even pregnant and never did I thought I'd do the cooking for it with a huge belly. It's good that I got alot done with plenty of time. I'm also extremely grateful that I had Adina, Denisse, and Sara's help with the cooking. My girls had fun decorating the cookies. It was all of ours first time using icing on cookies. Getting it to get red was the hardest thing but Denisse did an awesome job. 

I loved the strawberry theme. It was just so much fun and so yummy!

The cupcakes are the traditional hershey perfect chocolate recipe that is just the perfect chocolate treat. I was very pleased with the online buttercream recipe I found. I felt it was a little too sugary and I added some caramel sauce to it that made it taste the way I wanted. My mother-in-law only had a small piping mouth and it was really tiring to do the piping for that many cupcakes.

Those topiaries where fun to make. I really like working with ribbon. It was alot faster to make than the paper topiaries I did for this baby shower.

Emmalee destroyed that cupcake stand so many times we were reconstructing it again minutes away from her birthday. I was glad I had Dela's help and she patched it up again. Unfortunately during the birthday it fell apart and dropped some cupcakes. Good thing we had more than enough. 

Our amateurness is very visible on the cookies but they were very tasty and fun looking. I think we could have done a better job with them but we were so beat from making so many baked goods that we just made them as fast as possible to be done.

Adina was such a champ chocolate coating those red velvet pops. I used cream cheese frosting with the red velvet cake to make the pops. The chocolate was semi sweet giving it a great balance. I loved them. I thought they would be more for the adults, but the kids enjoyed it just as much. I had fun watching the chocolate covered faces of my dear friend Marcela's twin girls.

Strawberry milkshakes were for the kids but the adults took advantage of the remainding ones. It was fun to see Tito drinking one from such a girly container.

This cake is the duncan hines angel strawberry bavarian recipe. Its frosting is whipped frosting with strawberry gelatin. I was very scared of this frosting. It tasted too sweet for me but I made all my helping chefs taste it and they all gave me the green light. My fears that people would like it or not were dissipated when my brother-in-law Javier, one of the toughest men to please, told me he loved it. He doesn't say that unless he means it. 

I loved how the banner looked. 

The centerpieces were small and simple. A basket filled with paper strawberries with a chocolate inside. Thank God that chocolate was enough to prevent the wind from blowing them away.

 I made the strawberry bags in June. The little girls looked so pretty with their strawberry bags carrying them like purses. 

This cutie pie enjoyed her first free pass to sweets. Mom has been very restrictive with sugar.. 

I love her green shoes!

Of course mommy blew the candle, but she was so into it!

And in Honduras, the piñata can't miss! 

Happy new year!

I've been silent for some time on this blog wondering if I should share what has been in my heart.
You see, here I like to be brutally honest. I don't like to write to be politically correct or sound mature and wise. I like to write to bare my heart. But I've been wondering if I want what's on my heart known.
I am not one to hide what is on my heart, but I dread ever hurting with my written words, especially words left on the never-forgetting internet.

My writing silence has began since my second pregnancy has evolved.
I took vacations this winter and I could swear I doubled in size.
This second pregnancy has been hard to share. Not because I don't want it, but because I feel so different with it. I don't know if this feeling different has to do with the fact I'm less scared this time around or if it's because it doesn't have the "new" factor.
I would hate my other children to feel I love them any less because I'm not freaking out in my pregnancies like I was with Emmalee.
I haven't figured out yet why I feel so different.
Sometimes I think it's because I don't fear my world would end if I lost this child because I would have Emmalee to live for.
But when thoughts like that come to my mind I worry if my heart is in the right place. Does this mean that if I lost Emmalee my world would end? Isn't God my reason to live and the number 1 in my heart? And how would my relationship with Him be if I lost my family?
And I think I would be able to survive losing a child but I search for Kaylee's movements every hour of everyday and every waking moment. I even wake up just to seek her.
Am I so desperately seeking God?

The words in the Bible "Jealous is his name for He is a jealous God" (Exodus 34:14) makes me tremble. I love God. I want nothing else but to teach my children to love Him wholeheartedly. Will I be able to teach them that If I don't live it?
Do I love God more than my family? I am even scared of mentioning it for fear of having it put to the test. I read the book of Job and can't even fathom his trials. I say my world wouldn't end if I lost a child yet Kaylee and Emmalee are on my mind constantly.

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee." Isaiah 26:3. This is my favorite passage from the book of Isaiah. When I first read it when I was reading the Bible for the very first time, it caught my eye because it said that his thought stayed on the Lord continuouly. My thought stays constantly on God but to ask Him to keep my daughters safe.

I've noticed a change in my relationship with Emmalee. As a first time mom who is very fearful, my relationship with Emmalee was about making sure nothing bad happened to her. Now I'm alot more chill and instead of worrying so much I get to enjoy her more. I let her fall down and pick herself up. I let her get down from the bed and watch her be so careful when doing so. I love how she is so careful with the entrance step to the house and she steps it so well. I get to laugh more and learn more from her and with her.
The other day while I was heating my lunch at work I had this mental picture of her baring her teeth in a big grin and that brought the silliest smile to my face. A student passed by and gave me this weird look like if saying "you look crazy smiling to yourself like that."
My thoughts of her are not wondering if she is fine, if she is getting enough nap time, enough solid foods from her caregivers. I rest more confidently in God's care of her and just wonder what new thing she is going to show me today. As of lately, she cracks me and my husband up with all the new things she does that are so unexpected and cute.
I think I need to go back to that kind of relationship with God.
Enough with going to God just to intercede for my family. Enough with being afraid and forgetting Who is my Shepherd that guides me through the valley of death.
I want my heart to say: "The Lord is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation. This is my God and I will praise Him. He is my father and I will extol Him." Exodus 15:2
I want my heart to say "great is the Lord and greatly to be praised"(1 chron 16:25). Or my heart say "Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You." (Psalm 63:3) Where is that heart that longed to come to the presence of the Lord to gaze on His beauty and adore Him for His undeserving love? Where is that heart that longed for fellowship with Him?
During christmas I was thinking alot in baby Jesus. People take John 3:16 lightly because they've heard it so many times. I was analyzing it. "He gave His only begotten son." In the Spanish version it says "firstborn Child." I pondered and pondered in those words as I watched my only begotten and firstborn child sleep. How terrible ordeal it must have been to God to give His Child. And to give Him to a world that denies and despises Him. I would never. Do we realize in that verse how a great a sacrifice He made, how great a love He showed? And I remember the day Emmalee came into this world with the whole hospital's nursery just for herself and then think of baby Jesus in that manger. My Lord and Saviour in a lowly manger!
During winter vacation we were able to visit our local church in Panama. I loved the christmas service. The pastor was comparing Jesus being born into that filthy manger as a metaphor of Him coming to dwell in our sinful, filthy hearts. Great is Him and greatly to be praise indeed!
The world is scary. It truly scares me. It scares me what it can do to my family, to my husband, to my girls. Life is unrelenting and cruel, but God is good and just. Yes, jealous is His name, but so is love. He wants my love and gives me unimaginable love in return.
I am blessed beyond measure with this second pregnancy. My heart knows it even if my wallet doesn't. Children are God's blessing and I am not going to let any circumstance or person tell me otherwise. I'm not going to let any hardship that might come steal the blessing that is to have children. I will forget about how heavy my body is. I will rejoice in the fact that my body is able to contain so much love and show it on my humongous belly. I rejoice that God saw it fit to give me another child. I will rest in the fact that He will be my strength when handling two babies at once. I will give thanks and praise His goodness for giving me such a loving and caring husband to live each day at a time. I give thanks he gave me a loving mother who still looks over me. I give thanks he gave me a wonderful family-in-love that is serviceable and kind. And I won't forget of the God Who loves me with a steadfast love that is unconditional in spite of myself.
I hope I can share my heart here more often and it is a heart transformed by God's heart. Happy new year!