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10/04/2011

Growing faith?

     Bewildered. How can I have so much to be grateful when in so much need? It has been an eventful month on the least desired month for events. We knew we had the car register annual fee to pay up this month, so the hubby and I were careful with expenses and savings. Alas, life is not as careful. I was ill a couple of weeks ago costing us med fees. Then, an unexpected car crash (the other driver's fault) and due to the justice characteristic of our traffic police, we ended up paying.
       The hubby accidentally ran over my dear puppy Lanky. Thankfully, she only hurt her front paw and it was not broken. We took her to the vet who said once the swelling and pain came down with the aid of the meds, she would walk normal again. Yesterday we notice her anxious and strange. She was in so much pain when my husband barely caressed her paw, she bit him. She had to have xrays taken, shots and more vet care.
      It's rain season. No surprise from life there; it's October! But when the rain came through the middle of my room and the living room, surprised I certainly was. It's October 4th and already I'm left pennyless.
Neat thing of it all: I'm not worried. I've often wonder how many people strive to follow God's commandments on conduct and relationship, but they often neglect the emotional commandments. Do not be afraid. Do not worry. Do not dwell in the past. I think neglect was missused. It is more like miss. When you are worrying, you don't feel as though you are breaking a commandment, maybe because you have learned to be kind even under pressure or you have learned self-control of your actions when your heart is stirred. But learning not to experience those emotions at all is something we don't do consciously.
      I am a fearful person. I don't know I can use the words "used to be" because it still catches me off guard, but i'm getting more and more there. I often wondered if my fear was a lack of faith. I remember once in a youth meeting the leader was sharing of a request the disciples had made to Jesus. They asked Him to increase their faith. I was attentively awaiting the formula for growing faith Jesus would give.

Luke 20:6
He replied, "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea, and it will obey you'"


      What? I don't need to grow in faith? Even if it were small, it would be enough?! I did a little reading on this confounding answer. I pondered on the subject some more. I can't tell what the disciples attitude or intention when asking an increase in faith was, but I can say what my own is. So why did I think I needed more faith in order to be less fearful?
     Maybe I thought that to do what Jesus was requiring of me, I needed more because what was provision for me by Him was not enough?
What was provisioned for me then?
    Promises. A clear picture that He takes care of the birds and of the flowers, and He will take care for me. An assurance that even the hairs in my head are accounted for. A hope of a home being prepared for me in heaven. Why should I worry?
     I often write of how my mother is my hero. If you would hear her story, you would think is a soap opera novel. The hardships and heartbreaks she has endured yet coming out untop are enough to show you God's faithfulness, and she made sure her children knew Who was her providence.
And yet even after witnessing His care, I ask for more faith. Is it faith I am truly asking for? Was it faith what the disciples were asking for?
    I'm slowly learning this. It has happened countless times before: an unexpected bonus check when my medical bills were at its peak. the check for my extra hours or the extra assignments that should have been paid four months ago finally gets in when the car needs repairing, help at this point of my life from my mother when my eyes and health needs checking, dad selling the car and giving me a share, long forgotten merchandise that finally gets sold. And somehow, the bills get paid. Somehow, we even have enough to help others. Somehow I've had enough to care for my pets instead of sleeping them. Somehow I've never taken generic meds and have always seen especialists. Somehow? NO! SomeONE! The One!
     Im learning to become a trusting person. Im learning to rely on hope and faithfulness. Besides, worrying or not worrying, the outcome won't change because you worried, so why worry?

*197 rainy days! I love gray skies.
*198 chilly days! they make the hubby happy. It makes him hold me longer too!
*200 a mother who teaches by example, whose courage still inspires me, her humility still silences me, her strength is still provisioned, and her face still captivates me.
*201 a hubby teaching me to respond kindly and forgiving me when I don't.
*202 a puppy under the car with her bones intact. :')
*203 watching a movie with the hubby and the two puppies and having that homie feeling. also that aging feeling to :P
*204 a nice work training that got us out of the office and to a nice hotel, with nice coffee breaks and lunch, nice games and lots of laughter and learning.
*205 a traffic jam that gave me time to share with Fer and Jose, eventhough I murmured about the traffic jam. Oh the streets of Tegus in the rain, you will certainly teach me this season
*206 enjoying the funny stories and laughing so hard with Fer and Jose I didn't miss the gym workout. Talking of life, love, and why!
*207 pay days that enable us to fill the gas tank
*208 having enough to help out
*209 long hours sleeping during the weekend
*210 a lovely wake up visit from dilly and denise under the rain
*211 visiting Evy and her family in Santa Lucia
*212 a God that is so kind to me, He shows me His faithfulness time after time eventhough He's been doing it for a long time and I still worry.
*213 growing in faith. Jesus never said He didn't increased His disciples faith.
*214 nice long call with my sister. Calling my mom minutes before boarding her plane! :)
*215 a lovely field trip with the coworkers taking advantage of the holiday, visiting several honduran towns and enjoying a rare October rain-free day! 
Merlyn, my boss (in the black t shirt) is the lovely woman I've told you of. All of her daughters (the two little girls and the two grow ups) wore pink! :)
*216 new vaquitas (cows) added to my kitchen collection bought in my favorite town Ojojona! :) ... got new earrings too. Handcraft earrings are my fav.

1 comment:

  1. Great Linda!!! I did not know this gift of yours :)

    ReplyDelete