Why God?

My last post was written on Monday, and just now I realized I never clicked publish.
I have been pondering on a subject I'd like to share.

On a post last week, I asked my dear Heavenly Father to help us get through this week with no more events. I heard him this morning. He whispered it clearly on my ear. "The more You ask for His help, the quicker things go bad!"

Yes, Satan's voice was clearly heard stirring doubts and thoughts in my head.
"It's true," I hear my mind reply. "Sometimes things go bad and I say nothing to God and they just stop happening. But the more I implore for His help, the more I realize He doesn't answer." Oh yes, Satan knew those past thoughts of mine and how to bring them back.
"We have no money. Please help us have an accident free, sickness free, events free month." That was the "simple" request.

It did not happen at all!

"Why God? Not even for a week?!" Oh no. I questioned.

I had written my previous post in the early morning and not hit the publish button. I began it with "My health is improving." But at noon of that same Monday my health had declined so badly I was lying against the wall hidden in the parking lot as I scringed with unbearable pain. I call my husband to aid me but he is in his test week at college and it is forbidden to miss class during test week or he misses his right to takes his tests. I know he can't come but I just call him to find comfort. Instead, he is frustrated with impotence. Our car had malfunctioned that morning and was at the shop. Even if he wanted to move, he can't. We don't even have enough for a taxi or a bus, that's how bad things are. We were going to pay our rent that day and now we are taking money from there to fix the car and have no idea how we will complete the rent money.

I tell him I'll try to call someone else. I call my grandmother. She is at work but she gives me my Aunt's phone. I call her. No answer. I call my father. He is at his course. He tells me to call his wife. I call her. No answer. I call my best friend, but in the confusion with the frustration and pain, I forget her phone had been disconnected. No answer. I begin thinking of my mother and family again. If they were here, they would answer immediately, and either my mother, my sister, or my brother would get to me in no time. They would help with money to get me to the doctor and give me meds. I scroll through my cellphone's contact's list and I can't think of a number I can call. I spent two hours in pain and crying hidden in the office's kitchen. The physical pain was diminished by the pain in my heart from finding no solace or help anywhere. I was upset there was no one in my family here in Honduras that would care for me. I had no choice. I had to borrow money from my boss and take a cab to the doctor.

My husband, after classes and picking up the car at the shop, went to pick me up at the clinic right in time when I had finished with the doctor. My husband needed all the time he could get for studying. Instead, he had to make his own dinner, do the dishes and attend his convalescent wife still in alot amount of pain. To make matters worse, he was going to go to the pharmacy to get me some pills and go to his parents house to scan a homework and send it by email (no internet in my house), and the car fresh out of the shop was malfunctioning again. By the time he got around all of that, he barely had time to review for his test.

"Why God?" There it was again, faintly in the back of my mind.

It's been a while that I don't ask that. I strive with all my heart not to question God in anything. The last time I questioned Him, I didn't seek His face for seven months nearly destroying myself. I had asked Him time and again: "Heal my sister please!" I was telling her on facebook about feeling ill on tuesday. She said she felt bad too but at this point didn't even care about seeking treatment. I can´t disclose my sister's disease. Actually, we don't have a diagnose yet. Five diagnostic surgeries, nearly 10 years of disconcerted doctor appointments, diagnostics and treatments, pills, pains and money and still nothing. Yes, I did say 10 years. "Please God, I wish to see her be her old self again. I wish to see her smile like she used to. Please."

The last time I questioned God causing me to grow a hardened heart of stone is quite pathetic. We moved to Mexico City some years ago. She was never much into our dog pets like my brother and I, but when she first saw a ferret, she became obssesed with them. She bought the first one on out first month there. There it was! The smile I was longing to see. Her bright eyes lighted when she smiled while she played with her ferret. I think I was happier. I think I desired it too much, just seeing her actually enjoy something and not be constantly worrying, constantly having check ups, constantly wondering if one of the hundreds of test done to her would be positive or actually desiring one to be positive to finally have an answer and end this. I wanted her not to have any other heartaches. The ferret died two weeks later. And there we were again sitting in the vet's waiting room looking through a window a tiny ferret having surgery. "Please God. Don't let her ferret die. Please I do not want to see her sad." It was the only prayer I did. Usually in this situations I pray for the whole time with desperation and strength. I didn't that time. I was sure the ferret was gonna make it cuz there was no chance God would let her precious daughter suffer more pain. Seriously, completely convinced. Watching those tears flow from my sister's eyes broke my heart. "Why God? I watch her seek You. I watch her serve You. Why couldn't You at least save the one thing that was bringing her joy?" Next morning, I find her praying and talking to me about grattitude during breakfast. She says she is grateful she had him for the time she did and she would give thanks to God in the good and the bad. She is the one enduring it all and I am the one quarreling with the Lord? I told you it was pathetic.

"Why couldn't You save her ferret if You refuse to heal her?" Silly thoughts of mine as I would cry till my pillow was wet that whole week. And then I became numb, hopeless. Today I constantly tell my mind, forbid my mind to question God. I have learned of His sovereign will more this year than in my whole life. I wish I knew what I know now then. My sister has endure alot more since I returned to Honduras and left my family back in Mexico. I still wish I could suction all her grief and take upon me. I have learned that You did and You do. No, You didn't save her ferret. But You gave Your life for us, took our transgression on You. I know you love her more than I love her.

And even when I began seeking God's face again, I had still ways to go (and still do) to learn on this matter. I have been saved by hope and grattitude. She had it right back then. Give thanks in the bad as much as in the good. I forgot that monday. And we also forget we are in a constant spiritual battle. I recognized my enemy's voice trying to trick me. Instead of resisting him, I sided with him. Putting it that way makes me feel more ashamed.

But this is how great my God is: even with his headstrong daughter undeservingly, shamelessly questioning Him, He shows her love and grace.

I became close to my sister again. Really close. I spent that whole year in Mexico sharing almost every experience with her. Maybe I became her substitute ferret, although we did get another ferret which the both us cared vigilantly for. Seriously, we took him everywhere with us: trips, hotels, movies, church, everywhere; one of us had to be always watching him. I had great times with my sister. I saw her begin fullfilling her dream of becoming a dancer and have passion in her again.

And that monday night when I was finally home, my father, his wife and my Tia Lenky come to visit and check on me. They said they had cellphone problems, but they care alot for me. Jenny, my friend whom I tried calling, by fluke comes to visit too. My in laws show their concern too. My Aunt Jenny also returns my calls next morning and asks how I'm doing. Tuesday morning I was still feeling ill and my husband can't pick me up on time. My tia Lenky is now attentive of me and offers to pick me up early. I am showed love. Love I would have not experienced and lessons I would have not learned had the events I had prayed God to keep away hadn't come. And by the way, my medical insurance covered all the expenses with no charge at all!

I wonder if my sister thinks it is useless to ask for anything to God or even care about treatment when you are convinced there won't be a result. I wonder if she could grow numb and hopeless like I did after years of waiting for an answer. I wonder If I don't think that in the bottom of my heart too. So when we feel that way, dear sister, I learned this:

Linda- "Why God?"

"To teach You love
To show You love,
To give You love and receive it from you.
And, hey, remember,
I'm in control and
My will is good.
Oh, and I love You and Your sister."

1 comment:

  1. I just found your blog today through Craig's blog, and I'm so glad I did!!!! I could not stop reading, and I just want you to know how moved I was as I read. Thank you so much for this!!!!! I will be going back and reading more of your past posts and getting to know you better. I feel I have found a gold mine here!