Loving thy enemies and life's astounding contradictions

I have an enemy.
I realized this today.
The fact that I had not realized he was my enemy had made me ignorant of the condition of my own heart.

I think of myself as forgiving. I don't know if forgiving is the right word or just not-given-to-resentment. The things is I don't hold grudges. I would self righteously smile at any meeting in church where the sermon was about forgiveness and the Pastor would ask: "Do you have anyone in your life you haven't forgiven?" I would smile inside and say: "No :)."

Oh how blind we are to how much transforming of the heart from God we need; at least I am.
Truth is I've been hating this person for a very long time. More than two years to be exact. In all this time I haven't stopped and think of how I am disobeying God. All this time I've felt entitled and justified to feel like I do towards this person.

I never thought I'd hate anyone. No one has ever wronged me to a point where I would hate them. This person is wronging someone I love; and that makes it harder for me to forgive, especially since this loved one of mine being wronged is very fragile and hurting. The situation is pretty bad and this person keeps making it worst and worst. I've felt I have the right to despise him and I confess I've even wished him dead. How come I've been harboring such horrible feelings without feeling ashamed with myself instead?

Matthew 5:44

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I hate this person. Even after reading these verses, I know I hate him still. I don't want to. I realized that all this time I have never prayed for this person, even though he is a brother in the faith. As I mentioned before, I've wished him wrong. If I heard he was in some sort of accident, I'd be rooting for him not to make it. It's horrible! How have I felt justified to hating him so? Is it because of what he has done and keeps doing. So? Are the verses above in any moment justifying hating an enemy and free me from the commandment of loving him?

What if he really disappeared from our lives? Would everything be fixed? What if something did happened to him? Would I rejoice?

I was watching a movie with the hubs where a burglar murdered the wife's husband and kids. I told my hubs: "If that happened to me, I'd hunt that man down and kill him. I would even take my time and give him a slow painful death." I stopped and then said: "But God says 'Vengeance is Mine'. Would I obey God, just forgive, and let Him do me justice? I would have to. That would be hard to do."

So I am able to reach to that conclusion with a scenario as horrible as that one, but not reach to the conclusion it's the same with this person? The consequences of his actions are devastating to our family. He has contributed to us hurting for almost three years. He refuses to stop and leave. Even my husband has expressed desire of beating him up.

I haven't stopped to think if he is hurting or what he has suffered as well. I really don't care. But I am commanded to love him. I am commanded to pray for him. I am commanded to help him. Maybe all this time this is what has been missing in our family to do to finally see our prayers answered. God uses everything for His glory and He is teaching us a very hard lesson and we are missing it. We must obey. Only in obedience to God is there freedom to sin. Only in following God's way is there true joy and happiness amidst trials.

So, new resolution: I will forgive this person. I will pray for this because I don't know how to. If I look at myselft and realize how God should me too and I have wronged His loved ones and He still loves me and forgives me, is not as hard as I think. I will ask forgiveness to this person for my feelings and towards him. I will pray for his life and that he might do God's will. I will never speak ill of him again. I will share this to my family and ask that we all practice this loving thy enemy. I will be mindful of my heart. I will realize that being forgiving includes forgiving those who wrong my loved ones.

Life is astoundingly contradictory to me. I can not understand how horrible times coexist with happy times.
I had just heard from my mom that a friend of the family had shot himself in the head. My heart sunk in terrible shock and pain for the family. I was there at my desk praying for his family and feeling pretty gloom. Minutes later I was laughing at a joke some one told me. I thought: "How can I laugh when someone I know and love is terribly hurting." It felt like a huge contradiction. To me, life should stop in those moments. I should feel sad and have no room for any other feeling. Life should stop. But it doesn't and I still laugh. That makes me hopeful. If you know what we have been suffering, you would probably understand why this makes me hopeful.

After all, the only truth is that God has commanded us to love everyone around us. We never know when we might not have a chance to this with the people around us so I must do it everyday. May God show me and guide me to live this way.