Ever feel so inadecuate that you feel you are good for nothing? I have always identified myself with the apostle Peter, for he would make many mistakes due to his quick-reactive character, but he had the desire to change and truthfully serve God. I do not identify with the post-crucifixion Peter, though, for he eventually stopped making those mistakes. He grew in character and became a great leader. Ugh, how am I desiring to be a mother when I cannot control myself? My tongue and my attitudes get away with me making me feel really, really frustrated.
The past few days have been awful, Father. I again justify my attitudes saying it is because I am terribly sleep deprived, entirely tired, and still very sad deep inside. But no, this is no excuse. This is no act of the fruits of the Spirit, but of the flesh. And I am so ashamed it is so hard for me to turn from my ways, I am frustrated again mainly by my job. This is not the place or the job for me. But it is a good training camp for controlling my flesh. I need to watch my mouth, my attitudes, my kindness, my discipline, my order, and so much more. I am deeply failing, Father. I am failing as a wife too. I am not cooking meals and because of it spending money eating out more than I should. I am not being responsible or a good administrator of my time, my resources, and more.

I am so, so frustrated!

John 8
5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

Yep, me! Stone such a woman! Ok, so maybe I am overreacting, but I do feel this way. So undeserving and sinful I should be stoned.

Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

Hmm, would that apply to throwing stones at myself?

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

If you have read my blog before, dear reader, you probably guessed right. I am crying.

12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

44 "You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. "

Oh, Dad, I feel sheathed in darkness. My soul is restless. I feel unworthy of coming forth to the light, and my actions are those of darkness.
John 9

39 Jesus said,[a] “For judgment I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind.”

Jesus was speaking to the Pharisee. They asked Him if ther were blind?
“If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains."

Have I claimed to see? But I have, to those around me. I tell them I belong to You. I tell them I want to glorify You and do Your will. They don't see that in my attitudes, and thus, I am guilty. And I am not free. I do not feel free.
Am I not seeing Your truth? Or am I a David with my sin always infront of me, praying for You to create a new heart in me. And to please restore the joy of Your salvation in me! Desperately, please!

Again, is there too much ME in the equation? I fail. I mess up. I disobey, I, I, I!!! And if I were doing Your will, would it be me doing it, me obeying, me being good and another vicious cycle of me, me, me????

But all I desire is to do what You told that sinful woman to do: Go and leave your life of sin. It is all I want. How could Paul feel this way? But he expressed it so plainly and truthfully: That which I want to do, I don't. That which I don't want to do, I do. Ugh, this world and this body are detestable to me. How I long for your coming! How I long to be transformed and remain in Your glory forever!

I always throw the ball at You. I say:"Well, Your Word says You give the desire as well as the doing. Well, give me the desire and the doing!" James says that if we need wisdom, we should ask for it according to Your will. I ask for it, Father, as long as it does not bring pride or glory to myself. I don't like this. I don't like feeling such a mess. I don't like having my sin before me. I don't like being unkind and exposing my sinful nature for all to see. I am frustrated. But frustration is just the attitude before defeat. So it is good that I can come into Your light and see myself exposed, and pray to be transformed, and asked once more for a new heart. And pray to cling harder on You. It is good my pride is shattered.

Dear Father,
I am sorry for my sins ever before me. I want to be the Peter post-crucifixion. I want to grow in the fruits of Your Spiril: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I do not want to live in the flesh. But my life is lain for You to do as You desire. For You to make an example out of me, if not of a changed heart yet, of a person bestowed with much grace and mercy by the God almighty. I am grateful You do not condemn me, and so I will not condemn myself. Do not ever leave me, and forever, I am Yours. Do not let Satan steal from me all You do for me, for I am greatly blessed, and I must not loose sight of that. Do make me a post-psalm 51 David too. But I know You do well in my life.

I love You, sweet Saviour. Thank you!

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