The battle of desires!

John 12

23 Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. 24 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. 25 Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26 Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.
27 “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. 28 Father, glorify your name!”

Hello sweet Jesus,
Ok, I know what these verses are telling to my Spirit: Go loose your life in the service of Him. And when a pastor preaches this in a service our hearts are filled with excitement and we claim: "Here am I, send me!" And we, honeslty wishing to go, say: "I want to be Your hands and feet." But do we go? Do we loose our lives?

So, I will be honest. I don't want to do the desire You have placed in my heart. Sounds contradictory, doesn't it? It's a desire in my heart but I don't want to do it!? Shows how our battle is spiritual and we are fools if we think we ever have a say in the battle. It's either Your say or our flesh's say.  So, no! I don't want to use my precious Saturdays were I can rest, and do some Japanesse classes, and catch up on a little anime, or play with my puppies, or over sleep, or watch tv and lie in the couch doing nothing. I don't want to give that up for waking up early, spending my hard-earned money, cooking like crazy, going out to feed a stranger and share Him Your Gospel, where I could be rejected, or mocked on, or uncomfortable, and tired. Why? Well, my previous posts prove there is too much "ME" in my heart, too much sin, too much longing for the things of this world. And I detest that and wish to abolish it from my being, as do many christians. So why don't we ever get rid of this old man, and start living like the new man we are in Christ? Jesus explains it in these verses.

"Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me"

Must follow me! But a couple of paragraphs before I see the pattern of Christianity where we want to go, but never do. We never follow. I never follow!
I still doubt!

John 12
37 Even after Jesus had performed so many signs in their presence, they still would not believe in him.

After all You have done in my life, I still doubt. I still cling to this earth. I still leave You waiting. Leave You preparing the rocks around me to speak because I won't go.

Dear Father,
Give me Your strength, I will wait in You! Transform my heart to feel the needs of others and fill them before my own. Fill this frail, flesh and bones body of mine with the power to soar like an eagle. Silence these sinful thoughts and desires and don't let me stray from following You. I am not worthy or useful, Father, but I want to go. Prepare me for this weekend. I will take it one weekend at a time. And help me do well my weekday duties with grattitude and honor.

I love You!


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